It is so crazy to me when you meet children who speak with such wisdom you forget they’ve only been alive for 10 years. There’s just something about hearing a kid rationalize situations. Like, why can’t I think that level headed about things? And then you find out they experienced this great tragedy when they were only 5, like losing a mother or something. I’m just amazed at how the world works. How one kid can grow up spoiled with two loving parents and money to buy them toys and clothes and food while they float through life with an average understanding of things yet next door a kid can grow up losing her mother and scraping by on the small salary of a single parent and still have the drive to do well in school and and appreciate the one life they’ve been given. Sometimes seeing that and thinking about that just makes me feel so dumb…

Upside to baking all of the desserts for our memorial day picnic tomorrow: getting to eat delicious truffles and cupcakes all day!

Downside to baking all of the desserts for our memorial day picnic tomorrow: eating delicious truffles and cupcakes all day!

And beyond that, I can’t put my hair up in a ponytail or get it wet for three days so I can’t even go to the gym to make up for it… wah :/

It’s no secret my brother has taken an alternative path towards his future. He’s been traveling down that road for a while hitting speed bumps along the way including some nasty legal trouble. At this point, my parents feel as though getting suspended from UVA due to flunking too many classes and trying to withdraw from college entirely is kind of the sign at the end of the road that screams DEAD END.

Honestly, I think he’ll be alright. Not everyone has to speed through college in four years and figure things out right on time. He is surely learning some valuable lessons and experiencing life… He’s a good kid though and he’ll pull it together in the end.

My parents aren’t taking it as well. I’m trying so hard to be supportive but let’s be honest, I shouldn’t get pulled into this to the extent I have been. I’m not parent number three. I’m kid number two. It’s bad enough I feel like I have to be extra perfect in their eyes to make up for him. Don’t force me to listen to your struggles three times a day and respond with supportive and mature advice. Clearly I know less about parenting than you do. You’re supposed to be my parents.

My Mom’s kind of losing it. She’s currently on a rant about how men and women have equal feelings. She’s been yelling at my Dad for hours about this. He’s a guy. And on top of that he’s passive. He isn’t just going to sit there and cry to you every day and break down about this. He’s going to be the man of the house and try to stay strong for you. Is that so wrong? Yet she just yells and yells and spews out feminist remarks trying to get him to admit that he’s unbelievably worried about his son. Of course he’s worried and he keeps saying so but it isn’t good enough for her. I know this is coming from a place in her heart where she is worried beyond words and hurt beyond explanation. I feel bad for her but when she gets like this I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could just pour her a drink and sing her to sleep. Everything’s gonna be alright, rockabye, rockabye…

Family dynamics are so absurd. I just can’t wait to sit down, all four of us, ten years from now and laugh at how rough growing up was, how rough parenting was, and how much we all annoyed each other. I can’t wait to sit down, all four of us, and realize we all made it. We all survived. I know that’s how it will end but man the journey is taxing. Especially on my Mother.

And you know what? I wish my damn brother could see her screaming and crying and realize she’s simply taking out the hurt he is causing her on us. He’s driving her crazy. I love him to death and I don’t in any way think this is all his fault or that he’s doing it on purpose, but if he just knew the full extent of the pain this is putting her through, I think maybe things would be different.

Oh, and last thing, my Mom needs to chill out on my Dad and realize he’s a completely different human being from her and deals with things different. He isn’t perfect but he’s taking this his own way and she can’t sit here and yell at him and tell him he should say different things to our therapist and to her. He should speak his own fucking mind and feel his own fucking feelings.

My home life is like Psychiatry 101… at least it’s preparing me for my future!